As I was walking around, I began to pray and look back to how we got to this point in our journey. I began to reflect on the growth that has occurred in our lives since Ricky and I began this adventure together almost 10 years ago.
You see, most of my life I was a people pleaser! I loved when people were "happy" with me and my decisions! And for the majority of the time, my decisions seemed wise. I loved school, and took my studies very seriously. I played competitive soccer, and strove for excellence. I was able to go to college with both a soccer and academic scholarship. I did my best to follow the Lord and lead others into a relationship with Him. And so, for many, my life was on the RIGHT track and headed for success!
All of this came tumbling down, however, when Ricky and I got married. The Lord had spoken to Ricky very clearly that we were supposed to leave Him in charge over the timing of our children. We wanted to trust Him with this aspect. Surprisingly, we became pregnant with our first not even a month after our wedding. While Ricky and I were excited, we were also super scared. My people pleasing kicked into over drive, because I realized that not many people would think this was a wise decision. Nonetheless, we had heard the Lord, and we would continue to walk with Him. Hearts began to change into excitement, and our firstborn, David, was born! Oh, how I was terrified to be a mama. This was the most challenging thing I had ever faced. In fact, I remember thinking that there was no way they could let me leave with a baby. I had no idea what I was doing!!!!:) Somehow, we managed, and we settled as best as we could into life of a newborn, as newlyweds ourselves.
Then, 4 months later, we were expecting our second child. As much as David was a hard hit, being pregnant for a second time felt even more irresponsible. Who had children 13 months apart? We had barely gotten to some semblance of normalcy, and here we were pregnant again. While excited, I was also devastated. I knew many disagreed with having children so close together. Noah was born later that year, and we began yet again to settle into some kind of new normal.
When Noah was 5 months old, we got the surprise of our lives. We were pregnant. AGAIN! And now, I just felt weird. People thought we had jumped into the crazy pool! "Are you going to keep doing this?", people asked us. "You will have 3 in diapers!', they said. And I knew that was true! I agreed with much of what they said! But, I knew we had heard God's voice, and so we did our best to push through. The thing was, I began to feel like a huge disappointment. In my people pleasing, I had begun to grow an overwhelming amount of bitterness and resentment to the people who were seemingly unhappy with our family. I felt like my life choices continued to be deemed unwise, and I was not sure how to change that. I wanted to continue to allow the Lord to be sovereign in this area, but I hated not having people pleased with my decisions. As you can already tell, this people pleasing side of me did NOT please the Lord. I was so concerned about others thoughts about me, that I allowed sadness and depression to dwell.
And this my friends, was the season when the Lord began to chip..chip...chip. He chipped away at the mountain in my heart that had grown over the years. The one that wasn't happy unless others were happy with my decisions. The one that was more concerned with the thoughts and opinions of others, instead of the thoughts and opinion of my God. AND THIS WAS A HARD MOUNTAIN TO MOVE. Honestly, its one the Lord continues to move. But as I look back, I see why the Lord walked us through this process so early. Our life was about to get a whole lot more hectic. We began to talk about adoption after hosting our precious children from Ukraine. And as we took the first steps toward it, we found out we were pregnant with our 4th, Sarabeth. Many thought surely we would get the notion of adoption out of our heads, because 4 was a big family. Our first adopted son came home 10 months after Sara was born. Then God pushed us towards adoption again, and the day after we announced we were going back to Ukraine, we found out we were pregnant with our 5th biological child. I remember laughing and thinking, "Seriously, God..the DAY after we announce our adoption, is the time we find out we are pregnant!" But GOD! God had brought that mountain of people pleasing much lower, and while we were still scared, our YES to God's plans were easier this time around.
Presently, many people deem our life legitimately crazy. They really do remark that we have jumped off the deep end. And our life is truly, in a beautiful way, crazy. But now, I don't struggle all the time with what people think of our family. In fact, there is such a freedom now in rejoicing in what God is saying. It's almost as if people have established us as "out of the box", and so stuff just stops surprising them! I walk much lighter now. I know that God is happy with me. And I no longer cringe at sharing what the Lord is doing in our lives. I actually get excited about it.
I share this for a reason. If the Lord had not walked me through my people pleasing, I would be miserable in my obedience to God. When the Lord would have said, 'Go adopt a child with Down Syndrome who is potentially dying", I may not have had the stamina or courage to go. But the Lord was so faithful to SLOWLY, STEADILY, and SURELY walk me through the things that would one day hinder His good plans for my life.
If the Lord is walking you through a hard season, and uprooting some uncomfortable things in your heart, do not be discouraged!!!!! Looking back, I realize it was nothing but giving in to growth. I could not tell then, but His path literally prepared us for what we are doing today! And truthfully, what He is walking us through today will prepare us for whatever He has for our future.
That is our God, friends. He is for us. And He is committed to our growth<3
